Losing Yourself

Well it's been busy last couple of weeks but today I had the opportunity to go spend a little more time with the Blessed Sacrament than I thought I could. I am always very excited to go but today as many days 30 minutes is not nearly enough. It's the epiphany that I've found time to go that makes me happy, the realization that it worked out for me today....it actually puts me in a calm state on the way over.

All I did was say the rosary, I tried to use a different meditation source booklet I bought and it was good. Guess one shouldn't say 'all I did' but sometimes the methodical can be just as insightful.

Myself, I feel as though I've given up alot. Realizing that I've been praying this Litany of Humility off and on since 2003!!!

I began this journey single, independent, good career, professional circle, my identity (as it were) to begin married and working. This began the quest for where are my real friends, with so many of my friendships changing due to my marital status, that was wierd but good. I found more girlfriends, which has been extremely thirst quenching. Then I moved to married, working, mother...........ahh!! After 18 months of that! something had to change. I stayed home to begin our remodeling and possibly to delve more into my own internal remodeling God has been working on all along. I've grown to appreciate the role of mother and wife loving it, while not 100% embracing all of my chores, it's at least to 95% level. The remodeling was financed mostly by saved money I had before. So now I have no income, no job performance, people quesitoning what I am doing (as well as myself), husband I love but still getting comfortable with after just 3 years.

I realized just the other day I made this comment to my husband that I basically have no money. It dawned on me, that God is helping me strip away all that I 'have' in order to gain what He would want me to have. I still don't know what that is for sure, who does?? But is hasn't fallen into place as of yet.

Then today, I rec'd an approving feeling while I was praying and as I got to the Crowing of Thorns (3rd Sorrowful Mystery) it dawned on me, Jesus gave it all away and it was upon the cross (Christ the King Sunday) where he rec'd his glory. Oh crud, so I don't really want a bad thing to happen or suffering....but I didn't sense that. I felt as though I have been doing what He would want me to do but that the humility is only gained when all the other stuff is gone. I don't really know how to let go completely, hanging on with my fingernails to what I was and had been.

I guess that is what I've been most afraid of just being nothing and yet knowing that the nothing is necessary for others (my family) to grow and excell. Right?? Man that is so darn hard especially when you know you could go out and do the same thing but no one would really be happy, least of all me. I dread going back to work. Jesus says He's with me and I guess it's just coming together in my own mind how this feeling is working inside me. I am afraid to be nothing. This is the first time in my life I haven't worked for income, pretty scary!!! So I have a whole host of control issues going on.

And yet, when the Holy Spirit asks me or prods me, I obey because I WANT to. I still have so much work to do. I just think my time in front of the Blessed Sacrament has helped me to listen better to the Holy Spirit.

Giving up the way we live or are used to living is difficult. Ushering in what is beautiful in the eye of eternity is hard too. Breaking attachments with things in this world is so hard. I think of me and how I feel about things now and just am unsure how this fits with who I am, but it must be who I was meant to be and didn't realize it because it is finally how great I feel. I am not a leaf in the wind reacting to today's distressing situation, coming in like Underdog to save the day. I am NOT indispensible to my 'work' world as I thought.

Is God setting me aside for a time?? Quite possibly so, and I want to do that gracefully. I heard today something abt a St. Bernadette considered herself like a broom. An item very useful, but that is put back in the corner after its use........made me take a pause.

Blessing to any who read this!!

Oh my goodness- I still love that icon.........I often forget to do that and have to do it later, I love that!!!!

Lost during the day

Wow, I got through here yesterday feeling very connected- spiritually. I was upbeat and I sat for a moment and thought where was that feeling all day??? I had bits of it throughout the day, but most of the day I didn't feel that way or did I? I think I cried twice because of such uncertain feelings regarding my career work and the direction in which I should go next. I think I even said I am lost! I am driving in a fog!!! No idea what I am doing.

For the first time in my life that I can recall I am doing nothing. Before I had a path I was taking that I felt certain of, and now that I am on this path, I am unsure of what I am doing. It seems more passive than usual for me and that is hard for me, I am a do-er.

It is. It is like driving with absolutely no map in a foreign city, that is the way I could classify it yesterday to Holy Spirit. What am I doing?? I have immersed myself in things, learning more abt what I want to read or know regarding spiritual matters to increase my knowledge of him (I have a huge desire for that still), but how can I determine or discern what I should do next. I feel very lost, not alone, just lost. Wandering aimlessly would almost qualify as to what I am doing right now. MOREOVER, it is not bothering me except on some anomalous day when it strikes me as out of order!!!

I have no one to share my inner thoughts with except the Lord and my spiritual director. My husband is not too interested in these matters of mine, because well he's not. He would listen probably but in the bigger sense I don't think he'd see it as important, just petty problems. His big problems admittedly are manly problems of the world, work, finances, etc. We don't get to the level of talking about what counts...well our definitions are different. Besides he isn't the solution to my troubles as much as I love him, I think only God has the answer for me.

I am really not sure what I am going on about, guess this wasn't too good a day. So I look forward to tomorrow. I have no clear feeling about where to go next except to return in some manner what I know how to do well, and then see what happens from there.

I know in my weakness God is my strength. I feel very weak right now, like I don't rm'r how I was before and that isn't bad, just don't know how I did all of what I used to do........... but I wasn't happy then at all.

Okay, goodnight and blessing to anyone who reads this!!

p.s.- Funny I just added the icon at the top, and I can't look at it without smiling and feeling love. I just love that icon!!

Reason for this blog

There are so many small things attributable to my time spent in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I am not even a power adorer like others. I get a prompt or invitation as I refer to it from the Holy Spirit, I go more often than not.

It has really pushed me to listen or hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. Wish I could listen more often and change myself immediately into the person I want to be. I've been seeking the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I hear and keep trying to respond in kind whatever the situation might seem to require.

In fact I had a dream that the pope (JPII) had arrived as my guest on this cruiseship to a social gathering. He brought Jesus with him in the Blessed Sacrament, and he carried this large glass box. I was the hostess of this event apparently but new few of the guests, my assistant had evidently taken care of the details. John Paul the Great sat the glass box on this display stand I showed him to, and the guests gathered around and he taught them about the Blessed Sacrament and they all knew and got it and the whole place emitted a soft warm feeling of understanding and peace. The next thing I know, the pope is gone and we are being asked to gather our things and leave immediately. My assistant asks,"So what do we do with that?" as she points to the Blessed Sacrament. I tell her she needs to find the pope so he can take Him back. A guest says he left hours ago. I tell her to call the Vatican, yeah right. No one is going to take your call!!! So I say, not with reluctance but with confidence, "I will take Jesus with me." So I did and that was pretty much the end.

But what to do with that?? I tossed it around, asked the Holy Spirit to advise me properly. So here I am, not a webpage designer, not a blogger (not a good one anyway) attempting to do what John Paul the Great so often encouraged us to do. Use technology to assist in spreading or advancing the cause of Christ. So it is meager I admit, but I enjoy it.

My little girl asked me "What doin day mommy?" Meaning what am I going to do of course. So I told her that once I dropped her off and finished a couple of errands I was going to stop and see Jesus........she eeeekkked, "I go!" So I said well maybe tomorrow you can bring a few colors and the rosary coloring book you just got and we can go see Him. She loved that idea.

So throughout all of this if drawing me closer is to bring her closer- then Amen!!!

I keep praying for another baby and Jesus assures me He will answer me but not now, so that is good and I can live with that. The last two times I was there to see Him, His presence left with me and once outside said to me again, "I am with you Wendy." I mean by name that is a good feeling. I'd like to talk to someone else about what they think or hear or feel during that time, and yet it is such a personal time it seems almost offensive to ask. I really just realized that, how intimate it is for each of us. I imagine most people feel like me, it seems unbelievable or too boastful to claim Jesus talks to me, but He does!!! That's what we are there for!!! So I hope we are all getting something out of it. I wouldn't even know how to broach that subject with someone.

So maybe in my own ignorance I am letting anyone who'd read this, a glimmer of what is in store for a person. Most likely much more can be gained, however, this is where I am right now. Today I went for just 30 minutes and I said one decade of the Divine Mercy chaplet, the prayer for today for the Holy Souls in Purgatory, and then read a chapter in this book, The Little Book of the Holy Spirit. In the chapter entitled, We must yield completely to God, something captured my heart almost as if I'd gasped.

...but in any case, there is something far more special in the guidance of the Holy Spirit sought for by the soul in its endeavor to 'live godly in Christ Jesus'. It has to yield itself to the promptings of God, be eager to catch His every whisper and quick in its obedience to His every call.

For this to be achieved, the first work is an emptying of the soul. Every obstacle has to be gotten rid of..........

Wow!! Quite a challenge I'd say...since I have hangups mounted upon hangups.

But strangley enough the Holy Spirit encouraged me to begin this St. Louis de Montfort's 33 DayTotal ConsecrationTo Jesus Through Our Lady found at

http://www.iipg.org/consecration1.htm

Boy this first week is about understanding that you must die to self, really abhor the flesh...and its desires, and it has been hard to fulfill it. It is as the title suggests a preparationg for the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. This is not a devotion to which I'm drawn to, but do not run from either. In fact, she keeps popping up in my life more often.

I have rec'd finally a lovely re-print of a new icon, Mother of God!!! I love seeing her when I walk into my entryway. She is lovely. Let's see if I can put her here.....oops, okay now she's up at the TOP!!! woo hoo, isn't that just beautiful!!! Man, I just love that, it has touched my heart and I don't even have a clue why.

Isn't that the great part of our journey with God, the unknown, we think we would all want to know God's will, and the why's of each and every little facet of our lives. But isn't it grand to look back and say oh yeah He's with me and the more you begin to recognize how tightly that is woven into your life, I think the closer you come to being able to live what God's will would be for your life. I know many people cry "Why would a God of love do this or that?" So many things to be savored in the current. The more I sit as an intercessor the more pain I see humankind is in. I heard today, how we each have our own Calcutta to bring Christ to. How true that is, we don't have to be Mother Teresa but she gave us a good model of how to bring light into the depths of darkness. Pretty deep knowing that I'll probably be the only one who reads this, but for posterity it has been noted!!

Amen, amen!! It has been a good day!

Small Servant

Wow, I was amazed at what happened today. My day got changed around so I had at least an hour, so I went over to St. Stephen's for adoration. It is really amazing how each day, the Holy Spirit helps me to find time or continues to pull and tug at me until I realize what I really need is Jesus!! So good thing, I go over there and get to the chapel and realize there is a lady vacuuming. I ask her "Where is Jesus?" She tells me He is on the altar of the main church, and I can go in there until she finishes. I say great please take your time. There was one other lady from St. Ann's and just me.



While I was praying, I kept coming back to being able to be obedient and serve and how could I or can I or am I doing that? I felt the warmth of Jesus as I looked upon Him. It was as though He was smiling at me. Then the lady cleaning came in after about 1/2 hour and the other lady from St. Ann's came up to the altar. Another woman also had come in and she also approached the altar so I immediately got up to do the same.



See I really never know for sure what to do anywhere so I just move as though I do!! ha!!



I could see one lady was going to carry the monstrance, another a candle, and then one lady had the bells and the other candle which I reached out for. So I awaited the other candle bearer on the steps of the altar for us to get together and we got to escort Jesus back to the adoration chapel. AHHHH!!! I was so humbled and so excited at the same time to be able to be in service to Him at this moment, at this hour. It wasn't until we got seated again in the chapel that it struck me- I was there for His service in obedience to Him calling me. Also humbled to know that it was not because I have done meritorious things or because I am so holy. It is just because He wanted me there with Him.



He has often told me "I am not like human men." I have trust issues and honesty issues with men (mankind). So He has assured me, I cannot look upon Him as another man, and He is right. He is Almighty God, for whom today I was able to serve in my small manner. I like this today. I was where I needed to be, which I just keep asking God to bring me to where I am most useful in my life. Let me build on those talents which He has given me to do useful things that matter, while working on those ever-so-small blemishes that I would like to remove.



It is through this life, my life, each day that in time I will with God's grace become worthy of my place in heaven. I have a lot of work ahead of me.



It is these small happenings in our lives that you might possibly become more aware of in your own life too, as Jesus continues to call to you to experience life with and in Him. Main thing is do not consider yourself unworthy in any manner to spend time with Jesus. He wants you to be there if He is calling you to do so. Do not say to yourself I don't know how to pray, or what do I have to offer, or I am scared.... be comforted you are not alone, I feel like that quite often, but I keep going and you should go because whatever you 'do' will be pleasing to Him. But He is calling you if you are reading this and that is the most important thing you need to keep in mind. You don't want to keep the Lord and what He has in store for you waiting!


Blessings to each of you and have a great day!!

Evolution

Here it is end of May 2007 and what to do??? It is during this time somewhere in here that my spiritual director informs me that not everyone has this calling. Which was new to me...I hadn't realized this. I had no idea it was a calling really for me. So I started to do some more research upon her suggestion. Eucharistic Adoration and Purgatory or the Poor Souls were heavy on my mind as had been Divine Mercy. In my search for info on Eucharistic Adoration, I found an online Perpetual Adoration. I kept looking at the site and wondered how could this work???

http://www.savior.org

Yes!!! So I was home most of the time with workers remodeling our house, which made me feel home-bound on days. I've got this toddler every day, and a husband who was hardly home to help. All of my friends work or put their kids in daycare...so no help really. Well what I found was this online Perpetual Adoration. At nap time, and the workers went to lunch, which usually coincided, I could spend 30-40 min in prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament!!!

So I think every mom and dad need to know about this, every older person who would like to spend time with Jesus but doesn't want to do traffic or can't get around....any person who just can't physically get there, can do this if they use the internet of course. Wouldn't that be a wonderful idea, to have the little small video of that going all day while your family is home, and your computer is on?? Jesus would be there with you.

I'm telling you it was unusual at first, I even thought is this sacred or holy or blasphemous?? But then I thought and was reminded how John Paul the Great urged us to use tools of technology to spread God's Word. Why not?? But you are used to being in a quiet holy place, and that has to be how you approach it from your own quiet holy place inside. You can kneel if you wish I suppose. But mostly it is your time with Jesus.

Just sitting here thinking how fabulous would this be to bring this to people in the hospital on a laptop computer for 30 min!!! Ahhh! Another great idea!!! Wow I can see this can be so easily brought anywhere!!!

What a keen idea!! God will get where He needs to be see, He is always going to raise up those in prayer who need to pray, act, or move. He's going to find those unsuspecting souls who can and will work for Him because He asked, it's that simple. Those who listen and follow often, not knowing even, the voice of the Holy Spirit. They don't realize what a huge part of the kingdom they are participating in right then but He brings all into being. Wow!! Each of us plays his part in many simple and small ways.

Forming a Relationship

When I first got married even, first Friday adorations were fairly easy to make. Plus I was trying to get to mass more often. I think that is something I wanted to point out because once you begin this greater communication with Jesus, I think it is natural to want to experience that closeness just as we do in our human relationships. Remember when you were dating and you couldn't wait to talk to or see that person? Could you stand to wait a whole week?? I never could. So you may experience that and it is normal and if you don't I don't think that is wierd either. Really everyone has their own unique experiences with Jesus as He is present in the Blessed Sacrament.

Occasionally I even invited non-Catholics whom I felt were open-minded enough to come and experience the presence. One friend took me up on it. She loved it, even if only b/c it gave her time to really just be.

Once I got pregnant I missed more often than I cared to, but made maybe 1/2 of them. Then once Rachel came into our world, I was blown away. She wasn't very old maybe, it was after she'd been baptized in November so I want to say it was in December. She'd had a bad day of needing to be held all day and nursing all day. And I don't know why, but I said, "We're going to go see Jesus." So we did and I was sitting there and probably really first time I was so able to hear His voice, and He said, "Take her home and she will be fine." She slept soundly that night and I had been so tired that it wasn't until the next morning I realized what a blessing that rest had been and that it was in my obedience and moving (moving in Him) that I could find grace. That all sounds so easy doesn't it? ha!!

I began to find opportunities more difficult until Rachel was 1 yr old when she went to Mother's Day Out. But it was during those months that still the Holy Spirit was putting ideas into my head. I kept hearing and reading about spiritual directors. I guess I had never heard that at all, and when I'd listen to radio it sounded as though everyone knew something I needed to know. Then I got an email invitation to hear a speaker on that very subject. I even made sure I could bring Rachel with me. I left there and I thought "Oh I hope she'll see me, I know I need her." So I called her and was again so blessed to have had the Holy Spirit to enable this relationship to grow for me.

My husband works out of town several weeks at a time, so she's with me most of the time!!

Once Rachel was going to Mother's Day Out, it was difficult for me to even go to the office on Tues and Thurs b/c I really just wanted to go to the Adoration Chapel and/or Mass. Which happened most often for a while, and then reality and work took over and once a week was still great. When my husband was home sometimes I would run over there while he watched Rachel. That's when the Perpetual Adoration Chapel came in extreme use, no need to worry abt what time it closed. I never went at crazy hours, but just didn't have to worry.

I was actually floored and dismayed one day when I went over there and they didn't have it open because it was snowing!!!??? I missed being able to see Him.

I've taken Rachel with me a number of times for short visits when the day is hectic actually and I have no idea how to relieve my tense feeling, I will drive over there because I know most definitely that is where the answer lay. Most definitely.

But then the school year comes to an end............

Love at First Sight

On the feast of Corpus Christi, I believe, there was to be a procession with the Blessed Sacrament around the grounds of the church basically. You've seen these in foreign countries before I'm sure where they are all so excited and joyous. I wanted to be part of it. I thought what a huge thing to bring Christ out of our church building and out to the world. I know of course we should be Christ-bearers each day. However, how awesome to let those who haven't yet believed in His presence see it, because surely they would be as captivated as I was.

In fact, I arrived a little tardy, and I parked and hopped out...walking as quickly as I could to front of church but was met with an incredible sight. I looked up to see the Blessed Sacrament right across the street from me being held high by Fr. Rodney....what on earth!!! I am not joking it was as if I heard "I've been waiting for you." It was a piercing look from the presence of the monstrance that penetrated my being. It was like seeing someone and experiencing love at first sight. I remember when I saw my husband that one day while we were dating, and I remember the overwhelming love I felt for him even at an early time when we were dating. It was that way with Jesus too. He saw me, He knew me, He loved me. He had been hoping I'd arrive to participate with everyone else. I was so glad to be able to be part of that procession. I did cry a little because I guess I was just overwhelmed at what it is, was, and will be forever.

The year before I was helping my mother during her knee surgery at the hospital. Things can get tense as with anyone in pain and in a hospital so I went to take a break down in the chapel. Oh man, I walked in and the Blessed Sacrament was there and I was so happy to be there. I was so tired I didn't know what to do, so I just sat and listened and prayed as I could. I just kept thinking that really this was unusual but it was just what I needed. I remember my eyes initially fixed though on the Presence. It was as though I was held for that period of time.

Jesus will grab you. If you have been going to adoration and haven't had this experience that is okay. Your experience will be your own with Jesus. Oh but treasure the time you spend with Him. Know how comforted He is by your company. Know how absolutely blessed you are to be in the presence of God Almighty who gave himself to us, through the body and blood of his only son, our Lord. That we might be able to persist each day, that He might be able to come to us in our worldliness, not in His Glory for we could not bear it. This we can touch, this we can take in, this is human.

In the new testament Jesus says, "Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man, you cannot have eternal life." I think that is it. I will confirm and update. I believe I'm right, so what did that mean? Jesus meant what he said as he so often did. I think when it came to divine matters of eternity and salvation Jesus didn't use descriptive or metaphoric tales. He spoke as God.