Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Losing Yourself

Well it's been busy last couple of weeks but today I had the opportunity to go spend a little more time with the Blessed Sacrament than I thought I could. I am always very excited to go but today as many days 30 minutes is not nearly enough. It's the epiphany that I've found time to go that makes me happy, the realization that it worked out for me today....it actually puts me in a calm state on the way over.

All I did was say the rosary, I tried to use a different meditation source booklet I bought and it was good. Guess one shouldn't say 'all I did' but sometimes the methodical can be just as insightful.

Myself, I feel as though I've given up alot. Realizing that I've been praying this Litany of Humility off and on since 2003!!!

I began this journey single, independent, good career, professional circle, my identity (as it were) to begin married and working. This began the quest for where are my real friends, with so many of my friendships changing due to my marital status, that was wierd but good. I found more girlfriends, which has been extremely thirst quenching. Then I moved to married, working, mother...........ahh!! After 18 months of that! something had to change. I stayed home to begin our remodeling and possibly to delve more into my own internal remodeling God has been working on all along. I've grown to appreciate the role of mother and wife loving it, while not 100% embracing all of my chores, it's at least to 95% level. The remodeling was financed mostly by saved money I had before. So now I have no income, no job performance, people quesitoning what I am doing (as well as myself), husband I love but still getting comfortable with after just 3 years.

I realized just the other day I made this comment to my husband that I basically have no money. It dawned on me, that God is helping me strip away all that I 'have' in order to gain what He would want me to have. I still don't know what that is for sure, who does?? But is hasn't fallen into place as of yet.

Then today, I rec'd an approving feeling while I was praying and as I got to the Crowing of Thorns (3rd Sorrowful Mystery) it dawned on me, Jesus gave it all away and it was upon the cross (Christ the King Sunday) where he rec'd his glory. Oh crud, so I don't really want a bad thing to happen or suffering....but I didn't sense that. I felt as though I have been doing what He would want me to do but that the humility is only gained when all the other stuff is gone. I don't really know how to let go completely, hanging on with my fingernails to what I was and had been.

I guess that is what I've been most afraid of just being nothing and yet knowing that the nothing is necessary for others (my family) to grow and excell. Right?? Man that is so darn hard especially when you know you could go out and do the same thing but no one would really be happy, least of all me. I dread going back to work. Jesus says He's with me and I guess it's just coming together in my own mind how this feeling is working inside me. I am afraid to be nothing. This is the first time in my life I haven't worked for income, pretty scary!!! So I have a whole host of control issues going on.

And yet, when the Holy Spirit asks me or prods me, I obey because I WANT to. I still have so much work to do. I just think my time in front of the Blessed Sacrament has helped me to listen better to the Holy Spirit.

Giving up the way we live or are used to living is difficult. Ushering in what is beautiful in the eye of eternity is hard too. Breaking attachments with things in this world is so hard. I think of me and how I feel about things now and just am unsure how this fits with who I am, but it must be who I was meant to be and didn't realize it because it is finally how great I feel. I am not a leaf in the wind reacting to today's distressing situation, coming in like Underdog to save the day. I am NOT indispensible to my 'work' world as I thought.

Is God setting me aside for a time?? Quite possibly so, and I want to do that gracefully. I heard today something abt a St. Bernadette considered herself like a broom. An item very useful, but that is put back in the corner after its use........made me take a pause.

Blessing to any who read this!!
Oh my goodness- I still love that icon.........I often forget to do that and have to do it later, I love that!!!!

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