Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Lost during the day

Wow, I got through here yesterday feeling very connected- spiritually. I was upbeat and I sat for a moment and thought where was that feeling all day??? I had bits of it throughout the day, but most of the day I didn't feel that way or did I? I think I cried twice because of such uncertain feelings regarding my career work and the direction in which I should go next. I think I even said I am lost! I am driving in a fog!!! No idea what I am doing.

For the first time in my life that I can recall I am doing nothing. Before I had a path I was taking that I felt certain of, and now that I am on this path, I am unsure of what I am doing. It seems more passive than usual for me and that is hard for me, I am a do-er.

It is. It is like driving with absolutely no map in a foreign city, that is the way I could classify it yesterday to Holy Spirit. What am I doing?? I have immersed myself in things, learning more abt what I want to read or know regarding spiritual matters to increase my knowledge of him (I have a huge desire for that still), but how can I determine or discern what I should do next. I feel very lost, not alone, just lost. Wandering aimlessly would almost qualify as to what I am doing right now. MOREOVER, it is not bothering me except on some anomalous day when it strikes me as out of order!!!

I have no one to share my inner thoughts with except the Lord and my spiritual director. My husband is not too interested in these matters of mine, because well he's not. He would listen probably but in the bigger sense I don't think he'd see it as important, just petty problems. His big problems admittedly are manly problems of the world, work, finances, etc. We don't get to the level of talking about what counts...well our definitions are different. Besides he isn't the solution to my troubles as much as I love him, I think only God has the answer for me.

I am really not sure what I am going on about, guess this wasn't too good a day. So I look forward to tomorrow. I have no clear feeling about where to go next except to return in some manner what I know how to do well, and then see what happens from there.

I know in my weakness God is my strength. I feel very weak right now, like I don't rm'r how I was before and that isn't bad, just don't know how I did all of what I used to do........... but I wasn't happy then at all.

Okay, goodnight and blessing to anyone who reads this!!
p.s.- Funny I just added the icon at the top, and I can't look at it without smiling and feeling love. I just love that icon!!

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