Friday, October 12, 2007

Who does this?? Longings........

I know, that is what I thought. Who in the world goes to Adoration?? When I was a young girl in Catholic school, often I would go during recess to sit in the church in prayer or listen to sounds, probably God talking to me. Oh I was 7, 8, and even 9. I thought I had been called to greatness and then somehow I got the feeling no I wasn't good enough or holy enough to be a saint. I guess I let our world convince me of that. Then I made my own decisions and phhh those weren't always the best. With the backdrop of Catholicism and a great faith and decent knowledge....I left to college 1983. Long story short, stayed and was Catholic and participated as much as I could between football games, parties and dates. Which actually was probably what saved me from myself really. A retreat even!! Before I left college, 1 semester before, I was diagnosed with a tumor in my eye- my eye had to be removed. Yes a prosthetic eye. Ugh! I was 21. It was a huge test of my faith, but I know my heavenly Father held my hand on the way to that surgery room. Even afterward, many blessings came my way to help me get myself together. And wow, it took like 7 years!! WHAT!??? A faith-filled Catholic took 7 yrs to heal???!! It did.

So I know what does all of this have to do with Eucharistic Adoration?? Well, you know Jesus continues to call to us, no matter how sad, depressed or lonely we are. No matter how wanton, addicted, or lude we are. Now I wasn't measurably worse than other young single women I knew. But I wasn't idyllic either. Again went along w/ the pursuit of what I thought it was to be Catholic, attending mass and sacraments, but just didn't strike me as shall I say- unique?

When I was around 32, at my lowest, I had purposefully said I do not need you any more God. You have not provided me with what I keep asking for and hence...I will go on my own. And I walked. I still cannot believe I ever was so prideful as to utter these words, but I did aloud. No more mass, well maybe here or there b/c Jesus calls us. We need Him. I was still single, my business was suffering, my personal life was yuck! So I met up with some friends at a 'non-denominational' bible study. WARNING- if any young person reads this ever, let me emphatically say, "THERE IS NO SUCH THING". The hidden speak is is a way for your 'friends' to suck you away from the truth. You may have not even discovered the truth fully yet in your walk with Christ and that's okay. But that's it, "Let's save them from the Catholic church."

So in this 'bible study' we had a leader, okay, he was a minister of some sort, okay. Then we speak in tongues, even okay with that....Holy Spirit man He moves how we do not always know, so okay. Now we have communion.................WHAT??!!! I participated in this hideous re-production w/ this loaf and this grape juice......oh please ya'll don't even know. I know what Eucharist is!!!!!!!!! I had it!!!!!!! And that is when I could hear Jesus' voice again.

Mass became something I made a point of going to, and inserting myself into, taking it all in. Oh there were bad days that made me just cry. I was in desperation of knowledge. And I would see this monstrance in the bulletin for first Friday Adoration, over and over each month. Why would I read it?? Why would I ponder how I could get there?? (I worked out of town A LOT at the time.) But I was soon to find out.

Okay so it's me who goes, 42 yrs old. Engineer. Single-married with baby!!! That is who goes. If you are 25, 34, 45- GO you will see others there. I am not perfect. I am a sinner. I am, to know me, is to wonder has this even helped you?? You are determined, persistent- GO! You are shy and indecisive- GO! You are a mom - GO! dad-GO! student- GO! Mom- take your baby - GO! Infirm? Okay maybe you can't go so often!! But I even have an answer for that........this online adoration I used this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGosh....what a relief!! to have found it!! Truly, saved me and got me even more close to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Okay, hubbie is going to wonder why am I up still on computer....night and blessings!!!

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